Spending most of my life serving in the military in Asia has made it easier to deal with Christmas because most Asian countries aren't Christian.

Another hurt?

Now I'm thinking about when I finally got my driver's license. I was so excited. I was driven by my sister to the DMV examining facility. I was supposed to call her when I was finished for a ride/drive back home.

"After today, I won't have to beg for a ride from my parents or sister," I thought.

I was totally prepared. The cursory physical exam, written exam, and road test was a breeze. In a couple of short hours, I was the proud owner of my first Driver's License. I could almost see the look on my girlfriend's face when I drove up to her house that night for our movie date.

I called my sister. No answer. During the next 3 ½ hours I alternated calling my sister and my parents. If anyone answered, the responses were the same, "...too busy to pick you up."

Alone, neglected, disappointed, and hurt again.

Screw it. I quit calling and jogged (in my jeans and Sketcher school shoes) the 3 miles home, getting more furious with each step. By the time I got home, it was dark. Everyone was already home!

What a raw deal. It was supposed to be a special, happy day for me. Getting my first Driver's License was a major accomplishment in my life; but no one even bothered to pick me up from the DMV facility!

I entered the house and kept my composure just long enough to nonchalantly say that everything went well.

Then I went to my room, grabbed a pillow from my bed and crouched in the corner of my closet. In the darkness of my closet, I screamed and cried into my pillow for the next two hours.

When my Mom knocked on my door to come to dinner, I told her I wasn't hungry, too tired, and needed to take a nap.

It was then that I realized that when it came to anything important to me, I couldn't really count on anyone - not even my sister. It was then that I vowed to prevent these situations from ever happening again by relying solely on myself. And from that point on, my natural independence and self-reliance became a fierce obsession.

I remember calling my girlfriend and canceling the movie date for that night. I told her I was sick. She believed me because my voice was so hoarse and my nose was still runny from the hours of violent crying.

Okay, enough reminiscing.

I've got to get back in control. There's got to be something I can do right now.

No more tears. Its time to DO SOMETHING. It's time to stop wasting any more time and energy.

I'm gon'na go online. Yeah, that's it, I'll Google the words: "Frustration, Anger, Jealousy, Sadness, and Depression."......

......What's up with this? In just about every article and reference (and there's hundreds on each subject), the word "forgiveness" keeps popping up as the recommended step toward overcoming sadness and healing.

Forgiveness? Why? I'm the one that's in the "right."

She (my girlfriend) is the one that is "wrong," right? She is the one who should be apologizing to me! Why do I always seem to get myself in this kind of predicament?

Do I really need to learn how to forgive?

Uh-oh, another wave of self-pity is ready and waiting to engulf me again.

Maintain, maintain, maintain control...I need to stay focused. I need to quickly understand something about this "forgiveness" thing.

Let's see. Article after article explains that my anger, frustration, sadness, and loneliness IS OF MY OWN DOING?

Keep reading. Huh? I have the power to learn from my present situation and grow from it? Really?

What a concept.

So, according to all the experts, regardless of who is right or wrong, without forgiveness, I'm the only one suffering! That sucks. It's like that old saying: What's more important; being right or being happy?

For my own survival, I guess I must forgive; not for anyone else, BUT FOR ME. If I don't forgive my girlfriend (or anyone else that has wronged me in the past), I'm allowing another person to control me. What's the use of harboring anger, resentment, or jealousy? The only person I'm hurting is myself. Besides, anyone who has wronged me in the past would continue on with normal life regardless of how I felt.

The past is past. Why am I letting myself hurt now from something that is over, in the past?

It's like that story about the two traveling monks. The two monks were supposed to avoid all intimate encounters with the opposite sex. As they came up to a stream, they see a beautiful princess in traditional royal attire. Apparently, she was alone; running away from an abusive suitor that her parents had promised her to.

There were no bridges, boats, or rafts at the stream. The only way to get across the muddy waters was to wade through the muck.

The two monks approached the princess. After assessing the situation, the older monk humbly offered the princess a piggy-back ride across the stream. The other monk watched in horror as his friend breached the "no contact with the opposite sex" rule.

After reaching the other side, the older monk bent down and gently let the princess dismount. The princess thanked the monk for the help and offered him a few gold coins. The monk declined the offer; saying that the money would be better spent helping her get away from danger and a life of unhappiness.

For miles (and hours) the two monks walked in silence.

Suddenly, the younger monk blurted out, "You know we're not supposed to touch women! Why did you do it?"

The older monk turned to the young monk and just said, "Friend, I made a choice; acted on the best choice I could think of, then I put the princess down on the other side of the stream - many hours and many miles ago. WHY ARE YOU STILL CARRYING HER?"

Why am I still carrying past hurt(s) into the present?

It's time to do something to make me feel better now.

Hmmm... interesting. Contrary to popular belief, I can forgive silently, remotely; that is, it's not necessary to physically meet and say "I forgive you" to all the people I think should be forgiven in my life.

What have I got to lose? Here goes.

"I now forgive. I quietly and sincerely forgive all the people I have allowed to hurt me in the past. I do this for me, not for the wrongdoers."

Jeez, this feels weird. It's hard to do. I'm so used to carrying around my own, custom-made, invisible 65 pound backpack full of bad memories. It's so familiar and so difficult to let go - no matter what my rational mind shouts .

I just have to let go. I can't move forward until I let go of where I am now.

"I now let go. I give myself the gift of forgiveness now. I forgive myself for being less that I'm capable of being. I forgive everyone else. I now know that everybody (myself included) is simply doing the best that they can with the knowledge and experience they have."

Thinking back on my "Crying Christmas," I realize that my parents did what they thought was best. They were old-world Asian. They didn't believe in wasting precious work or study time on sports, art, music, or anything that modern Americans consider recreation for "re-creation."

My parents came from a poor background, so all they believed in was school and work. It wasn't until they became wealthy and somewhat "Americanized" did they begin to indulge in leisure activities.

I forgive them. In retrospect, I should've been grateful for having parents that could buy and give me Christmas presents while other children around the world had no food or shoes.

And I forgive myself for continuing to react like a hurt pre-adolescent whenever someone doesn't know what I like. No one, however close he or she may be, can be expected to read my mind.

It's my responsibility to express my likes and dislikes clearly until they are understood to those close to me. I also have to accept that I will frequently meet with disagreements - and it's okay.

It can always be different, better.

I'm still fiercely independent. But it's different now. Understanding a little about its foundation and contributing factors has taken the desperate edginess away. It's a personal choice to be independent; not an unconscious, uncontrollable obsession.

We make choices. We act on the best choices we can think of. But unlike the monk, many of us carry things, heavy things, around with us from the past.

It's over. Get over it.

"It's over. I choose to forgive. I have vividly re-experienced some past hurts buried in my psyche. I gave them their own space to be. I allowed them to run their due course. They are done. They can now move on. I let them go now.

The thought of them pass easily, unharassed through my mind. They evoke no strong feelings. I can now recall them as an observer, not a participant now. No more bad feelings, no more drama thinking about them. I feel so much lighter now.

I refuse to allow past feelings of anger, resentment, and betrayal to affect my present (and future) happiness. I'm over it."

What's that sound? Oh, it's my mobile phone SMS ringtone.

Thank God, it's my girlfriend: "Darling, I'm sorry. Be home soon. Miss you. Love, Kai"...

Carl "J.C." Pantejo Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com

Forgiveness, past, hurt, let go, fat, neglected, sadness, depressed, unappreciated, healing, independence, relationships, cried.

About the Author

He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life - while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water.

Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com http://www.ynvurcepublishing.com