You are if:

You are perfectly healthy but yet so damn lazy that you need to wait for an elevator to go up or down one flight of stairs and think that everyone else on the elevator should deal with your own laziness.

You would rather toss your cigarette butt out your car window than use your own ashtray for whatever reason. Double this if you are driving a "Prius" or other hybrid and trying to pretend you care about the environment.

You run out to get your lottery ticket religiously each week in hopes of getting lucky instead of relying on hard work to succeed.

You think that because you win an Emmy, Tony, Oscar or any award that people want to hear about your political views.

You can't drive while talking on your cell phone and swerve all over the road, get a ticket and give nebby politicians an excuse to punish the rest of us who are actually capable of doing more than one thing at a time.

You vote for said nebby politicians because you think that they really should micromanage everyone's lives.

You can't be bothered to read the instructions for something (anything, I don't care what it is) and complain that you can't figure it out. You're an even bigger part of the problem if you start asking others to help you because even after you realize you can't figure it out you STILL refuse to read the manual!

You say you support the troops but not their "mission". Basically you are saying you support the troops but that you don't agree with them and the job they have chosen to do? Huh. Interesting way to "support" someone.

You try to win arguments by setting up elaborate canards about why someone can't have an intelligent opinion about a topic (i.e. if you aren't in the military you can't have an opinion about the war, etc.). Fine then. By that same token unless you have a pair of Engineering Degrees, specifically a Bachelors in Chemical Engineering and a Masters in Environmental Engineering, are conservative, aren't currently running your own business and so on and so forth, you can't comment on my opinions because, well, obviously you aren't qualified to know what the heck I am talking about because of your limited experience and understanding of my point of view.

You actually think the towers of the World Trade Center were brought down by controlled demolition and that it was a missile, not a jet plane, which slammed in the Pentagon.

You don't know enough about the properties of steel to comment about what happened at the World Trade Center on September 11th, have only gotten your knowledge from conspiracy websites and fake or inexperienced engineers who couldn't computer their way out of a paper bag, and STILL feel compelled to comment on how there is no way those two planes could have toppled those buildings.

You think that you should be able to coerce other people to pay for your retirement, health care benefits, etc. through government force.

You try to equate someone that is upset about illegal immigrants who are breaking our laws as somehow being anti-immigrant.

You actually think you know more than God and try to convince people that they shouldn't eat meat even though we have teeth designed specifically for that purpose. Go eat your veggies if you want, but leave the rest of us alone!

You insanely chant the slogan "war is never the answer". When you are being hauled off to a concentration camp because you convinced people not to fight back against evil get back to me and let me know how well that slogan worked out will ya?

You actually believe that the secession of southern states and the civil war was not about slavery and the unalienable rights of men regardless of the color of their skin despite the fact that several southern states issued declarations stating so ad nauseam.

You actually think that slavery was outlawed in the United States by the 13th Amendment. It was not! It is still allowed as punishment for a crime for which the person has been duly convicted.

You think the ACLU actually is a great and noble organization with principles firmly rooted in the Constitution.

You refuse to accept that Margaret Sanger, mother of the abortion rights movement, was a racist promoting eugenics as a way of trying to control the size of the black population in America.

You whine when someone says something you consider "mean". Awww. Boo FREAKING Hoo!

You haven't laughed at something on this list yet and are offended by most of it because most of the things on it strike too close to home.

You sit around and look for internet polls to spike and are so deluded that you think it will convince others that your candidate of choice has more support than he or she really does.

You have read more books by Noam Chomsky than you have by or about the Founding Fathers.

You irrationally think that anyone who disagrees with you must automatically be a racist, sexist, fascist or something else silly in order to justify in your own mind why they don't see things your way.

When I reference Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution you have no idea what it says and have to run to take a look.

You think that the Constitution (in the words of Captain Barbosa) is more of just a guideline anyway. So who cares if it gets violated right?

You refuse to accept that modern liberalism is in fact Marxism.

You refuse to accept the truth that the vast, vast majority of our founding fathers were unabashedly Christians and dismiss the fact they proclaimed such as they signed in the Constitution by stating that they did so "in the year of our Lord" because it doesn't fit your view of history.

You think that you can claim the Declaration of Independence doesn't mention God and get away with it.

Your grasp of American history consists of little more than at one time some white people had slaves and that therefore everything is wrong with the world because of it.

You think FDR was a great President for his legacy of unconstitutional social programs.

You think that the impeachment of Bill Clinton was "just about sex" in order to dismiss it instead of admitting that it was really about him lying under oath and suborning perjury in order to prevent a woman from having her Constitutionally guaranteed day in court.

You think "Bush lied" about weapons of mass destruction and that he was only going after Saddam because he tried to kill his daddy and for oil and that those were the only reason why the Iraq got its ass kicked ... again.

You think Hitler (the head of the National Socialist German Workers' Party) was actually "right wing". Notice the word "Socialist" there much?

You think that evangelical Christians are as big of a threat (or an even bigger threat) to America than Islamic extremists who want you to either convert or die.

You think Rosie O'Donnell actually has a grasp on reality.

You were one of the bozos that applauded something Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said during his speech at Columbia University.

About the Author

J.J. Jackson is the owner and Editor at Large of American Conservative Politics - The Land of the Free and American Conservative Daily. He is also the lead designer for The Right Things - Conservative Political T-shirts and American Infidel T-shirts