Joining is a way of bonding with another person in a way that brings us incredibly close on both emotional and spiritual levels and provides a safe and natural way of healing. This method was originally developed by relationship counselor Lency Spezzano. It makes use of our best connection device - our eyes. Our eyes have been called the 'portal of our souls' because when we make strong eye contact, it seems that we can see into the very soul of another person. This is exactly what we aim to do in Joining. It is a way of establishing a loving connection with anyone. It has the power to heal any problem or layer of pain because it re-establishes our connection with healing love. We can think of this love on either the human or the spiritual plane, or both. When you first try joining it is easier to do it with somebody you trust. When you get more confident you can do it with other people, even your partner!

How to Join -Take two comfortable chairs and place them so you can sit close to and facing your Joining partner. Make sure you are comfortable and relaxed. Playing some relaxing or emotionally meaningful music will also help. You can gently hold hands if you like. Now make eye contact with the other person and try to maintain it for as long as you can. You can blink as normal - the intention is not to stare, but to naturally look into the other person's eyes for an extended period of time. Try to Join for at least twenty minutes. You may find it easier to focus on just one eye - whichever is most comfortable and gives you the deepest contact.

At first, most people find it hard to maintain sustained eye contact. In social settings making too much eye contact can appear threatening, but here we are deliberately allowing ourselves to maintain the contact as long as we wish. You may feel embarrassed or awkward or you may find it hard to remain serious and have a strong urge to talk. It is possible that you feel disturbed by this level of intimacy and want to end the Joining.

The resistance you may be feeling comes from the fear of emotional intimacy. We are not used to allowing ourselves to get this emotionally close to other people. With such strong eye contact, it feels as if the other person can see right into the heart of our being. We fear that they will know us too well, including all our secrets and any low self-worth. These are aspects of ourselves that we have tried to hide, so we may now be reluctant to reveal them. But remember that it is our low self-worth that causes us to keep ourselves separate in relationships and prevents us from healing our issues. Although Joining can be difficult at first, the process is intended to unearth our resistance to wholehearted connection with another person and then burn through it to find the love and self-esteem that lies underneath.

If you persevere with Joining, a number of interesting things will usually happen. You should start feeling some emotion - it could be positive or negative. Try not to judge or control the emotion, just let it flow naturally. The emotion is welling up from your subconscious as well as your deeper unconscious mind. You may feel anger, sadness, loss or other negative emotions. You may cry - don't judge this, just let it happen without resistance. Keep feeling into these emotions as you maintain the eye contact. It is likely that you and your partner will mirror each other's emotions. Look into their eyes and imagine that you are seeing right into their emotions. What are they feeling? Feel love and appreciation for the other person and pour this into them. If you find this hard, imagine they are somebody you love dearly, such as a child or a parent. As you feel the love for them and transfer it to your Joining partner through their eyes, they will feel it and respond. See all the love within them. If you have a spiritual belief, see divine love or God in their eyes. The love will then melt away pain and any separation.

As the process continues you will feel much closer to the other person. As the fears evaporate on both sides it is common for both partners to start smiling and laughing. The feelings of love just keep growing. Sometimes a person's face will change before your eyes - they might look younger and much more relaxed. They may even seem to be limed in light. You will probably come over in a hot flush and feel absolutely wonderful. Some people then go into a blissful state which is full of love and peace - others may laugh uproariously. It is in these moments of intense connection that we most easily experience our higher powers of love, or grace. It is an experience you will never forget! All of us have different styles in the way we feel and express love, so follow what is natural for you.

If you don't reach these higher states of loving consciousness, do not judge yourself. There is no right way to Join. If you can't feel anything, just feel that as deeply as you can. The dissociation is our ego's way of resisting the Joining. Even not feeling is a feeling, so embrace this as much as you can. As you stay with the dissociation, another emotion will eventually come up, and then your Joining will progress naturally. The idea behind Joining is that we are trying to heal through the various layers of fear and negative emotion that prevent us from feeling our loving essence. Sometimes you may just quietly burn through a layer of pain. As you become more practiced in Joining, you will become much more aware of the negative layers and blocks that stand in the way of your happiness. You may also become aware of the way in which some emotions are contained within specific parts of the body.

The 'emotional body' has been described in the Eastern traditions of the Chakra system as well as other mind-body systems. We may notice pain or a constriction in certain parts of the body. For instance, during a Joining session we may start off feeling some emotional pain, as a knotted or cramped feeling in the intestinal area. As we continue the session and feel more love, those feelings ease and the emotions may appear to rise up through the body. Sometimes they might get stuck in the throat area. As our connection with our Joining partner strengthens, those feelings may then move up and appear to leave through the top of the head. When I join, I am often aware of a barrier within my temple, almost like a steel plate. This feels like a distinct block to the flow of emotions. As I allow myself to connect and feel love, I can dissolve this block and immediately experience a huge release of any trapped negative emotions. This is accompanied by a sense of lightness in the temple and an even greater openness to love. All of us will feel our emotions differently, but once we can visualize and move them through our bodies, we will find it much easier to release negative emotions.

In a Joining session the fear and negative emotion that most of us carry becomes very evident and it is clear when we let it go. As we Join, we become undefended and surrender to our emotions. As we remove our defenses, we become willing to feel the entirety of our emotions. By facing the depth of our pain and letting it go, we can then experience the heights of our ecstasy. Joining returns us to our essential and authentic state - one of love and connection with the people and world around us. The bliss we might feel during Joining is simply the experience of boundless love that is, in principle, in infinite supply. With practice, Joining becomes one of the most effective and enjoyable experiences in a personal development and healing process.

About the Author

Peter Granger is an acclaimed relationship counselor and life coach. He runs relationship and self-development workshops in the UK. For more free relationship advice and information go to http://www.iloveyouloveme.com