By Otto Collins
Brett can't understand why his wife gets so jealousy when he goes out with friends. She has made it clear that she doesn't think he's lying and she doesn't suspect that he's having an affair.
Still, she repeatedly asks Brett not to spend time with his buddies. When he has plans to meet his friends for cards, to watch a game on tv or to play a little basketball, his wife becomes distant and impatient with him. Sometimes she gets teary and even pouts.
This type of behavior is out of character for his wife-- this is why it stands out so starkly from how she is most of the time. He can't seem to convince his wife that there is nothing for her to be jealous about. Brett can tell that his regular get-togethers with friends are taking a toll on his marriage.
He's starting to feel as if he has to choose between having good friends or having a happy marriage. The whole situation is unfair and irritating to him.
Is your spouse jealous of your friends?
Even if you are in a heterosexual relationship and your friends are the same sex that you are, she might become jealous when you spend time with them. This is slightly different than what is usually associated with jealousy-- involving worries that a person wants to or will have an affair. Nonetheless, the tension and disconnection that can arise in your marriage is just as damaging.
Generally, when a woman (or man) is jealous of her partner's friends, she often feels neglected or ignored. This could be what's going on in your relationship too. You might not consider this to be true, but-- for whatever reason-- it might be how she truly feels and what's behind her jealousy of your friends.
Jealousy can be rooted in a person's insecurities and fears that have little or nothing to do with the current situation. These insecurities may be more about a past relationship or even a childhood experience than about what's going on today between the two of you.
While it can be frustrating to feel like you're being "punished" for something some other person did that was hurtful to your partner, you can't change her past.
You also can't make your spouse's jealousy go away. She may never like your friends or like that you spend time with them, but this doesn't mean that you're helpless or that you have to allow the conflict in your marriage to continue.
Here are a couple of things that you CAN do...
#1) Make an attitude shift.
Stop telling yourself and acting as if you have to choose between spending time with your friends and having a happy marriage. This is not a choice that anyone wants to make and you actually don't have to.
If, at some point, you decide that either your marriage or your friendships are unhealthy for you to be in, this is a different matter. Then, you would make your choice based on what's going on in the marriage or friendship.
As you notice your wife pull away from you or tense up when you are about to go out with your buddies or you're talking about them, remember to breathe and slow down your thoughts. Don't make an assumption about what she's thinking and don't "go there" and start to tell yourself that you have to make a choice in order for your wife to be happy.
Shift your attitude to different questions instead. Like these:
"What is she really saying or asking me to do right now?"
"Is there an adjustment I can make in my schedule this week so that I can fit in special time with my wife and hang out with friends too?"
"What are my needs right now and do they possibly overlap with my partner's stated needs?"
#2) When you're with her, BE WITH HER.
If you're really honest with yourself, you might recognize that your wife has a point. She may have legitimate reasons for feeling neglected and ignored by you. This isn't me convincing you that it IS your fault that your woman feels jealous, by the way. This is me encouraging you to try to look at things from her perspective too.
One reason why people sometimes feel neglected or ignored by their partner is because there is a lot of multitasking and unfocused attention happening in relationships these days.
When you're with your woman, really BE WITH HER.
If you're in the middle of a project, let her know that you're going to get to a stopping place (approximately when) and then you will be available to listen and engage with her. Make time each and every day to turn off the tv, the computer and put down your phone and look into your wife's eyes and really listen to her.
Interact with her in a genuine and meaningful way. This doesn't mean that you two have to have heavy heart-to-heart talks all of the time. What it can mean is that she knows, because your actions have proved this, that she is important enough to you that you make her a priority.
When you consistently show that you WANT to be with her and that you ARE interested in her, your time with friends can become less of an issue. Her jealousy will more easily fade and you will realize that you never did have to choose.
About the Author:
Otto Collins teaches the secrets to lighting up their woman and offers men's marriage advice. To get Otto's free report: "The 10 Biggest Relationship & Passion-Killing Mistakes Men Make and What To Do About Them" sign up for his FREE relationship advice newsletter for men at www.LightHerUp.com |
