Vacuum Sex Death

I'm now back in the UK for the weekend (actually in Wales), and there's nothing I like better than to walk to the pub and sit with a pint of beer, reading the newspaper. Thirty minutes of stories will serve to remind me why I'm not coming back here to live. The weather is amazing - sunshine and blue skies; this is officially the warmest April on record. So I set off up the hill to the pub in the hot sun, in pleasant contemplation of a fine pint of Red Dragon. One mile later I arrived to find the fucking pub was shut. So I walked back down the hill and read the paper with a diet coke instead. Not the same.

However, my attention was caught by a short item about a 48 year old church organist who was discovered dead inside a giant plastic bag attached to a vacuum cleaner. Apparently he was naked, with his hands and feet bound in some sort of "bizarre sexual act gone wrong". The vacuum cleaner was still running when the body was found. The coroner recorded an open verdict. Still, at least the body was vacuum-packed for extra freshness.

Now I don't know about you, but this story certainly raised a couple of questions for me. Firstly, why was this only a two inch item? The big story on the page was about some old Russian cellist who died - given a choice between that and hearing more about the dead organist I know which I would choose! And what happened to investigative journalism? Shouldn't some reporter have been up there trying to figure out how he tied his own hands and feet and then got into a plastic bag with a vacuum cleaner attached, sealed it and died? What sort of vacuum cleaner was it? A Dyson? That would explain why the filter didn't block with his jism. This story should have been a two-page spread, with photos of the vacuum cleaner and diagrams showing how he did it.

The second question is "what kind of pleasure does some sad fucker get out of this?" I know people's ideas of sexual attraction vary, and I'm prepared to accept that there's a lot of weirdos out there (step forward all you plushies and furries) but how do you get off in a plastic bag with no air? With your hands tied it's not even as if you can "intervene manually" in your own enjoyment. I know about auto-erotic strangulation and the donkey punch so it's not as though I'm naive, but I still have to ask "why the fuck would you do it?"

The only answer I can think of is "for the sheer pleasure of imagining the expression on the vicar's face when he reads out the news of my death next Sunday". Bit of a drastic step to take though. I guess he was no longer getting enough pleasure from his organ...

Copyright 2007 Edward Bison

About the Author

In case you're wondering, I'm an intelligent, unsophisticated male with a good job and the usual array of unhealthy appetites. I spend significant amounts of my waking hours resisting the temptation to tell people what I really think. I can barely tell red wine from white, so don't bother explaining how the bouquet contains hints of blackberry and cat urine.

http://www.mrbison.com