A new study from the Institute for Logical Behavior reports that human beings are not the end of evolution but merely an evolutionary step on the way to a logical species.
The renowned institute bases its findings on the observation of everyday human behavior, which, it concludes, is simply not up to a standard that can be considered logical.
As proof, the study points out numerous instances of illogical thinking by homo sapiens. Among them, we find the following:
1. The Age of Reason never happened
2. There is only one God; therefore, mine is different than yours
3. Life after death is a more attractive idea than life before death
4. Death is an experience
5. Actors and singers are extraordinary role models
6. Virgins are fun to make love with
7. Being pro-life is about the abortion issue
8. Your credit score is important
9. Self-destructive behavior is cool
10. Violence begets agreement
11. Murder resolves marital problems successfully
12. Bank robbery is a promising way to get rich quick
13. Children are desirable sexual objects
14. Making millions enables behavior that is intellectually bankrupt
15. A life-giving God rewards life-taking behavior
16. The way to achieve satisfaction is to always want more
17. Love is more important than kindness
18. The wise conduct of a nation is to improve the rest of the world
19. Information is more important than character
20. 2 + 2 is only about mathematics
The institute also notes that, while human behavior falls distressingly short of any standard that might be called logical, the rest of the universe, from leaping salmon to gravity, exhibits an inherent logic. Therefore, the institute maintains that the earth has the potential to evolve a logical version of the species homo and will, in time, succeed.
Dr. Commoner Sense, the lead investigator, commented, "It is evident that the human species, as currently constituted, cannot possibly be the goal of evolution, but merely a step on the way to a species that is worthy of the non-human capacities of the universe. After all, we can write equations to describe the way the universe conducts itself and even a flea knows what self-interested behavior is, but we cannot dare hope that homo sapiens will behave in a way that is even consistent with self-preservation."
A second author of the study, Professor Alfonse Skepticus, remarked, "I conclude that humanity hardly merits the flattering description of itself as homo sapiens and suggest that the evolutionary stepping stone be renamed as a descendant of the species homo erectus, specifically, homo illogicus."
Response to the study from other specialists in the search for logical human behavior has been the usual mixture of waffling interest, constricted praise, highfaluting skepticism, and acidic condemnation.
Dr. Floyd Perchance of the University of Yemen, stated, "I just am not convinced that there is a logical connection between current human behavior and the expectation that something more logical is, evolutionarily speaking, in the offing."
Another expert, Roger Repeato, Ph. D., a specialist is finding just the right logical quote as an commendable substitute for his own thinking, remarked, "I don't understand what's new in this study. As George Bernard Shaw quipped, 'The earth is an insane asylum for the rest of the universe.'"
The Institute claims that it will continue to monitor human behavioral perplexities and report any detectable increment of logical content.
About the Author
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."
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