> The most important part of any school lunch is the lunch box. If the kid is not proud of his lunch box, he will not digest his lunch properly and may be sent to the principal's office for disruptive burping.

> It is best to pack only COLD foods for a school lunch. Cold foods can be packed the night before when you're wide awake and know what you're doing.

> Make enough sandwiches to last the entire school year and freeze them. This will save lots of time and your child will love them if you place an animal sticker on each baggie and tell the kid he is getting designer frozen TV sandwiches.

> Sandwiches on hard rolls keep longer than sandwiches made with sliced bread. Also the rolls will help children get rid of unwanted baby teeth.

> Apples are always great for school lunches. If your child cannot swap it to someone else, he may eat it just so he can play "Apple Core Baltimore."

> Raw broccoli, cauliflower, and zucchini are excellent for school lunches if your child is overweight or needs a little encouragement to run away from home.

> No school lunch is complete without fast food packets of ketchup. A child will eat anything he can cover with ketchup. Or he'll eat the ketchup.

> Add something personal to make your child smile or think of you when he opens his lunch box. The most sure winner is money for junk food.

> Remember to wash the child's lunch box with an industrial-strength cleaner at least once a day. And at the end of the school year, be sure to bury it in an approved waste dump where it cannot endanger future generations.

About the Author

Joe Hickman is editor at http://HaLife.com and recipient of the coveted Platinum Rolaid for excellence in nonsense journalism.