In the wake of particularly primitive comments from Ann Coulter about Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards, a DNA researcher at the DLRB (Democratic Laboratory for Republican Bashing) decided to examine Coulter's DNA.

The geneticist turned the results over to John and Elizabeth Edwards, and shortly afterward his wife his leading advocate announced the results.

According to DLRB findings, Ann Coulter is not really a member of homo sapiens but a surviving representative of a previous species known as homo loudmouthicus, which is characterized by its somewhat apelike appearance and pronounced jawbone.

Elizabeth Edwards commented, "I'm delighted that we finally have an explanation for Ann Coulter's unconscionable personal attacks on my husband. I trust that the news will encourage all full-fledged human beings - by which I mean all those with at least some degree of fellow-feeling - to shun Ms. Coulter as our ancestors seem to have shunned her irresponsible ancestors."

Scientists believe that Coulter's species became extinct because it habitually spoke loudly and inconsiderately, a trait that prompted homo sapiens to grow tired of its disturbing pronouncements and refuse to engage in any further discussions with it, at which point, scientists assumed, it went off into the woods and lived in isolation, no doubt baying at the moon and stars, until it became extinct.

Obviously, the discovery of a surviving member of the primitive species contradicts that conclusion.

The question is, will modern homo sapiens act as wisely as our sapient ancestors?

About the Author

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."