Divorce brings chaos into everybody's lives. What was, is no longer. Even if the marriage wasn't good, life was probably pretty predictable. With a divorce much change and unpredictability are inevitable. After time passes though, you should have been able to create a new life for you and your children. That equilibrium of regularity was reached again. But wait!! Now you're thinking about remarrying. One thing I can guarantee you is that life's about to change again.
It's going to be important for you and your partner to figure out how you're going to merge your ways of life to create a new life together. Even though we like to think we're spontaneous, most people thrive from having some type of regularity and schedule in place. That doesn't mean your life is boring, it just adds a little predictability. With all the changes that a new marriage brings, how can you begin to develop some type of schedule now?
1. What's important to you? - As a couple, talk about what's important to you individually. Being up front with one another about activities that are important to you and require time is essential.
An example of this, is a couple I was coaching. During the time they dated, they spent most weekends together. The new wife assumed this was how things would be after they were married. She was completely blindsided to find out that her new husband was a football fanatic and sat in front of the TV cheering any team that was playing, all weekend long. This obviously caused some problems for them. He'd never shared how important football was or his desire to spend time watching it.
Even if your interests are not this extreme, it's important that you have some "me" time to recharge. Begin talking now about how you can fit this in with all the other responsibilities that will be present.
2. What about the kids? - When we're dating and falling in love, there isn't much of an emphasis on including the kids in the relationship. Once the decision to marry occurs, this needs to switch. As a couple, you should be talking about activities you regularly engage in with the kids. I'm not just talking about those things you shuttle them back and forth to. I'm talking more about those rituals you have developed with your kids. Those things that helped all of you deal with the chaos after the divorce that created your "new" family.
You may not be able to continue ALL of those activities, but you will need to keep some in place so that life continues to feel normal to your kids after you marry. You'll need to figure out how you're going to be able to fit those in so they don't fall by the wayside.
3. When is the romance? - You are a new couple in love. You're thinking about merging your lives together. Never lose sight of the romantic relationship. Yes, your children are important and successfully combining your families is critical. But...if you neglect your relationship, and it falls apart, then there is no family.
As ironic as it may seem, this is the area that couples struggle with the most. So much emphasis is spent on the romantic relationship early in the dating relationship, allowing you to "fall in love", that a lot of people back way off from this once married in order to focus on the family more. Don't lose sight of your partner and their needs.
4. How about outside pressure? - None of us live in a vacuum. You're going to have other people vying for your attention as well. This group of people can include: work, friends, and relatives. It's going to be important for you to balance these well.
Too many people make the horrible mistake of "forgetting" about these important people once their in a new relationship. If you've done that, I suggest you fix that as soon as possible. These should be people who encourage you and also hold you accountable. You need those relationships to keep you grounded during this "in love" phase when we don't always see things very realistically.
These are people who love you and have known you for a long time. They have your best interests at heart and need to be included in your life on a regular basis.
Whew! Sounds like a lot doesn't it? The honest truth is that it is. Remarriage is a great exercise in balance. There are many more people and relationships that need to effectively be balanced than there were in a first marriage. Begin planning how you're going to be able to do this, now!
Don't just wait and see how you'll fit it in. That can be overwhelming with everything else being thrown at you as a newlywed. Relationships will suffer without this pre-planning. Unfortunately, the one most likely to suffer is the one that brought all of this together - your partner.
It's hard when you're planning to remarry to think of all the little details that need to be taken care of. Sometimes it can seem like too much, because there's a lot of pressure to do things "right" this time around. Well, you don't have to do it alone. Visit http://www.RemarriageSuccess.com to learn more about how we can support you in living beyond divorce.
I frequently get asked, "How will we KNOW when we're ready to remarry?" If that's a questions you've been asking yourself, I'd like to invite you to download our teleseminar on just that subject. Just go to http://www.RemarriageSuccess.com/7107audiosignup.htm to access this free audio.
Finally, a great way to avoid forgetting any of those important steps to take before a remarriage is our best selling 2 book set, "THE 7 Questions to Ask Before Saying 'I Do' Again." Learn more about this set at http://www.RemarriageSuccess.com/7questions.htm
All of this is courtesy of Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success.
About the Author
Alyssa is a remarriage expert. She specializes in working with divorced families who are planning to remarry.
She provides high quality resources and support to these newly emerging step families. In addition to her website, www.RemarriageSuccess.com, Alyssa provides direct service to clients in person or on the phone.
|
